im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
