I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
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That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground