I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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