my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
