Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
