You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
