I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
