new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
