Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
