so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
