I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
