He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
