I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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