I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
