we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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