remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
