I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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