everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
