Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
