life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
