I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
