New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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