I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
