I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
