The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
