Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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