I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
