You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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