Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
