he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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