So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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