Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
