its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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