Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
