the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
