I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
