mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
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Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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