my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
