Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
