you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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