I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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