just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
