I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
