It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
