When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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