Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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