she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
