butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
