sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
