apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
