I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
