she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
