I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
