It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
