I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
