Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
