it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
