You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Boobs are out for the taking
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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