you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize